The holidays are difficult.

I have no shortage of friends and family, of course, but thinking of what I lost, what this holiday should have been like.. it's almost more than I can bear to deal with. Perhaps I should get away for awhile. It's been suggested by some. The problem is that I can't really escape from this. There's nowhere I can go where the memories do not haunt me.

At least this time a year it's perfectly acceptable to drink on a regular basis without anyone looking at you oddly. My brother seems to think I drink too much. Perhaps I do, but it's the only thing that really dulls the pain.

I miss them. I still miss them so much. I know how long it's been. I know that everyone seems to think I should just forget them and move on, but how can I? She was the love of my fucking life. I can't just... find someone else. No matter how badly my parents want grandchildren. No matter how lonely it is without her.

I can't... this is never going to go away. I don't know if I want it to. I love her. I don't want to forget that.